VA PTSD therapy Assignment #1

Why the Trauma happened…no seriously.

I was asked by my doc to write a one page paper, a paper on why  “The Trauma Happened” well there was never one particular traumatic event, there was many, and trying to rack my brain as to find a sensible reason as to why I saw my friends bleed out, or why I feel the trauma of carrying two body bags with one human body’s remains taking up both bags, happened. Why did Sgt. Alhquist die? Well that’s a chain reaction question in the sense of getting to the root cause of “the” trauma, why did sgt. Alhquist die? Sgt. Alhquist died because he stepped on a pressure plate I.E.D. why did he step on the IED? He stepped on the IED to save the life of Lance Corporal Hadden, why was he trying to save Lance Corporal Hadden’s life? He was trying to save Lance Corporal Hadden’s life because Lance Corporal Hadden was shot in the shoulder. Well that poses another question if we are truly trying to figure out why “the” trauma happened. Why did Lcpl. Hadden get shot in the shoulder? Because a unidentified individual shot at him. Why did he shoot at Lcpl Hadden? He probably shot at him because A. We invaded his country…B. He has a undying hatred for America and everything it stands for or C. he was forced to by a terrorist organization with threat of losing his life and/or the life of his family and loved ones. So let’s answer these questions:

Option A. We invaded his country because the media and the government tells us that they are responsible for the attacks on 9/11, and while Iraq did not attack us, nor did they provoke us, or take blame or responsibility for the attacks on 9/11 our own government needed a scapegoat, something the naïve American people would believe, lets blame Bin Laden, and while we’re at it lets start a war about something totally opposite of the truth and lets overthrow Saddam and find all of his WMDs, of course Oil has nothing to do with it.

Option B. Undying hatred for America and everything America stands for, sure there is a lot of people who disagree with the American way of life, our so called “freedom” our so called “rights” that to them may seem out of this world and too strange and alien of an idea to want to adopt themselves, seeing how they are in fact decades behind America, and many other parts of the world in a cultural aspect. So it’d be safe to say that “they” may have killed my friends in fear of what they didn’t understand or didn’t want to accept.

Then theres Option C. He was forced to kill my friend(s), I encountered many men and women that told the story of “being forced to take [pop shots] at random at US forces in threat of losing their own life or the lives of their loved ones would be taken away. Many people will go to any and all extents of human possibilities to save the lives of those they care about.

So in conclusion I don’t know why the trauma happened, I don’t know now, and I never will. I feel betrayed, I feel lied to, I feel sad for those who had to die for stupid bullshit that no one has been given a clear explanation or answer to, and I hate the fact that most people, including myself enlisted after 9/11 because I felt attacked, what I didn’t know then, and what I don’t 100% know now, is just who was my country “attacked” by, was it a foreign terrorist organization, or is it an organization apart of our lives every single day? I’ll never know.

Ramblings

I grew up in a good home, amazing mom and dad...a brother Mat and a sister Maria. I am the youngest of the three with my sister 4 years older, and my brother 3 years older. I was born in may 1987. I grew up in Caldwell, Idaho. Graduated in 2005 from Vallivue High school. Then enlisted in the Marine Corps as an infantry rifleman. I was blessed with a beautiful daughter from my first marriage, Chloe was born in December 2006 while i was away on deployment.

After that deployment i did two more, one with 2/4 and the last with 1/1. I then was honorably discharged in 2009, i then divorced and got a job at DirecTv doing customer service, there i met my beautiful wife Shannan. Shannan is my saving grace, she is what has kept me going, she is in a sense...my hero.

My wife and i have since quit working at directv and have moved on from that mess. I work at the Prison here in Idaho, forgive me if i leave out details on which one. My wife works in retail and we are expecting our first child to be born in mid august, her name will be Madilynn Elizabeth.

I was recently accepted to a local college, with the intent to obtain my Associates of Applied Science in Web Design. Web design has always been my dream, it has always intrigued me, and given me pleasure, by designing, creating and publishing. It will provide, God willing, for me to stay at home as much as possible with my girls, Shannan, Chloe and Madilynn. My ultimate dream is to be a father, a husband and an overall good man like my dad is and was to me.

Why web design....? Well for me that answer is simple, but to explain it takes a lot of understanding on the readers part. I dislike people, i am not a people person when it comes to employment and staff relations...i no longer want to work somewhere with an "HR" department, of Information Reports or false accusations. I refuse to work for someone who gains pleasure from holding your job over your head like a stick of cotton candy over a child's head at the fair. I work very well on my own, and at my pace...because frankly i believe my working pace is too uncomfortable for some. I enjoy being taken out of my professional comfort zone, being challenged and being on the radar.

Web design also gives me a sense of control, and as a human, i enjoy that. There is no one, i believe, that doesn't like being the one tugging on the reins. If i fail i have only myself to blame, if i succeed it gives me ambition to do even better next time. I have fallen and have always gotten back up. I believe i have encountered a lot of challenges for my life, maybe not a lot for some, but plenty so far for me.

My first honest challenge in my life was graduating high school, at first i didn't really appreciate what people were doing for me, as far as pushing me and trying to help me. I always assumed people were trying to control my life, push my life in the direction they wanted me to go and i often ignored them. About junior year in high school i finally pulled my head out from my rectum :) and decided i better do whatever i can to be the best i can, because what i do here, against popular belief, matters. I brought my grades up to the end of my senior year to an average GPA of 3.75 and graduated at the top 20% of my class of nearly 400 students, which at the time was a great accomplishment for me.

Next challenge i had in my life, was leaving my mom behind as i enlisted into the USMC. Those three months separated me from my life line, from my confidant, my shoulder to cry on and honestly...my best friend. My mom got sick while i was in high school, it progressed over time to the point where she is now, stricken to her home with rheumatoid arthritis, 95LBS and struggling with pain management through pills and mystery juices. The thought of my mom in pain hurt me, but it drove me to succeed every time i was on my DIs quarter deck getting thrashed, every time i missed a step in drill i wanted to be better because i knew mom would one day see me on the parade deck at graduation and i wanted to make her proud.

After boot camp graduation i got to my unit, 2/4 Fox company 4th platoon out of San Mateo, camp pendleton, California where i spend the next 3 years of my life. Before my deployment to Iraq in September 2009 my girlfriend and i found out she was pregnant, i was overwhelmed with fear and joy, like any 19 year old kid would be, we married in august 2006 and divorced in January of 2010. I as a young man, made the wrong decision to get married, i wanted to be able to be apart of my daughters life and thought the only way to do so would to be married, also i wouldn't have a way to pay for it so the health care aspect of being married in the marines made sense at the time.

In retrospect i would not change a single decision in my life, everything I've done, seen, said or heard has reflected in my actions on all my decisions and has led me to where i am today, happily married, with one daughter, and one on the way. God is good, God is great...always has been and always will be.

People ask me often after they meet me, to share my experiences with them, and i have always declined the opportunity to let an outsider get a glimpse of what it is to be me...I've labeled myself many things in my life with a wide range of descriptors, labels and "hats if you will". In my life i have been, broken, abused, neglected, loved, hated, admired, respected, feared, trusted, depressed, scared, courageous, shameful, disgusted, frowned upon, beaten, shot at, worried over, cheated on, taken advantage of, taken advantage, I've stolen things, I've had my things stolen, I've been destroyed and rebuilt, I've been favored and Ive been last picked but out of things that i have been, felt or been called my favorite thing of all is FORGIVEN.

My path to God was a winding road, with many detours, bumps, foggy avenues and cliff hanging "S" curves. I believe God truly rescued my life at the age of 16, a junior in high school...I was so upset one night over a girl being unfaithful to me, that i left her place and got in my car, after punching a road sing and breaking three of my knuckles. I was driving home and with teared filled eyes just didn't want to feel that kind of pain anymore, so in my selfish rage i took of my seat belt and before getting to the top of hill on the highway i decided i would switch lanes, into oncoming traffic. I closed my eyes and slammed the pedal down to the floor board, i opened my eyes to an empty highway at 9 p.m. on a Saturday night, i decided to put my seat belt on and get back into my lane, in fear of being pulled over and having to explain to an officer what exactly i was doing. For the rest of the drive home i didn't see one car on the road, i was in Gods hands that night, and i always am. I went to my room after returning home to my confused self, i opened the bible and read Joshua 1:9. That verse has always spoke a special message to my life, i have felt that it has been a direct conversation from God to myself, it was his way of letting me know, wherever i am, whatever I'm doing, whatever i am faced with he'll be right there by my side, either walking with me, in front of me, behind me or like most of my trials he has carried me.