Loose Change

Loose Change

Things change, more often than that…People Change.

The title shouldn’t be confusing, if it is let me clear it up. People change, some for the better, some for worse and some you don’t notice, maybe never will…but it is on the inside where they have changed and sometimes they don’t even know it. A change can be anything you want it to be, a physical appearance, a new attitude, a new outlook on life, an addiction, a new job etc…the kind of change I will be referring to in this story is my change, loose change.

I had a traumatic experience when I was a toddler, some say I was too young to remember it, to those people I say…Stop reading this story, because it’s that kind  of close minded thinking that puts me in the offensive. This experience I shared with my older brother (3 years older) and my sister (4 years older) with me being the age of 3 or 4 I honestly don’t care. I was taken against my will; I guess it doesn’t technically fit the definition of kidnapping seeing how this man who took us was my step father and a biological parent to my siblings. I was taken from my home in Caldwell Idaho; we were all taken to his house in Utah.

Upon arrival my memory serves me well to the style and layout of the home, a TV. in the living room, a couch, a fireplace and 3 bedrooms, a basement and a bathroom upstairs. This man kept us against our will, but with the blessing of the courts. By no means is this man the type of father who got a “raw deal”. He was a monster, and to this day I yearn for his judgment day with God. My brother and I were his human punching bags, his little “toys” he did with us as he pleased. Many times this meant knocking us around until we couldn’t stand any longer, tears would no longer fall from our eyes due to the lack of proper hydration, hand-cuffs have left a scar as a reminder on my right wrist from when he cuffed me to the bathroom door and was forced to watch him pee, I do not believe I was ever sexually molested, if I was, God has blessed me with the lack of memory of it.

My sister was forced to watch horror movies in the basement, XXX movies, he found this to be comedic and if we refused to take part in any activity he saw fit, well he always had his way with persuasion. Walking in front of the television while George was watching it, should you forget, or dare you would be punched, kicked or by any other means knocked out of the way and reminded not to do so in the future. I reached for some candy that was on the table in the open and because I didn’t ask a got a punch to the mouth and a chipped tooth as a result.

Enough on that story you get the point, my parents came and got us, and we returned home for a belated Christmas celebration. George got off in the judicial sense, he was not punished, but only his visitation rights revoked. After which we enjoyed a glorious life with our dad, Ted Carpenter. This gifted, blessing of a man rescued us and brought us all to Jesus.

We all changed a little from that experience, some more than others, my sister, well she’s a hard one to pin, I think she matured from it and didn’t let it affect her too much. My brother turned into a silent, emotionless boy. I however took the little man syndrome route, I was always small, and I was always bullied. I grew with the intention of joining the military so one day I would have the skills and the mindset to end the life of anyone threatening me or my family ever again. Sure serving my country was a plus, but I will not lie to you, I joined to defend myself, my name, my honor and my family. I would never use my “skills” to end this monsters life, though the thought frequently visited me as an adolescent. “Judgment is mine” sayeth the lord.

I joined the marine corps at 18, I was assigned to 2/4 fox company out of camp Pendleton California, where I met a lifelong friend Andrew W. Martinson. Without this man in my life, now and then, I don’t know where I’d be. God certainly places people in your life at the right times, and definitely for the right reasons. “Marty” has taught me a lot about life, god and relationships, he is a man and a friend, which all men should want to be. He is a man of virtue, a man of courage, strength, morals and ethically sound. He is without a doubt, my best friend.

I fought alongside Marty in the same platoon, furthermore the same Squad. I was a M249 SAW gunner, and he was a M16 rifleman, he was my angel on my shoulder, or at least always a few meters from my shoulder. He kept me warm on cold Iraqi concrete floors in the brim winter, he shared anything he had if you needed it, whether you asked for it or not, he has a sense of knowing what someone’s heart desires. He was dubbed the Godfather, Marty was the men to go to if you were in need, and he was always willing to provide. 

We fought, we killed, we labored and most of all we lived next to each other for those grueling 10 months. We came home and he was still there for me, gave me a shoulder to cry on, he was there to light my cigarettes, he was there to listen and to pound a little common sense into me at times. Should Marty ever read this, I hope he should know that I hold him in the highest regards, he is my hero.

While I was in Iraq, I recall a phone call with my sister, I won’t recount the conversation in its entirety but what I am bringing from it is this; she asked me “Why my little brother, why him, I want my little baby brother back”. For those who don’t know, for those who have had this mindset, if you are unwilling to accept that that sibling of yours you remember from “yesteryear” let it go, they’re not coming back, they’re not going to be the same, and in my case, baby brother Alex is gone forever. I’m not disgruntled in the least by this, I am who I am because of what I have done and experienced, I am shaped by the people I’ve been around, by the things I’ve witnessed, from the life I have lived in which most cases that majority of the worlds populous will never have lived. I am proud to be the man I am today, I am proud to be the son, the brother, the cousin, the nephew, the friend, the husband and father that I am today.

I was trained to do what some view as barbaric, violent, out of the ordinary. I lived in places that would rate the title of condemned, structures that were rigged to blow, I’ve been colder than I had ever been in my entire life, I had been hungrier, thirstier and more tired than I have ever imagined, and besides my best friends, my fellow marines and corpsman, God brought me out of it all, carried me out alive and forever changed the way I live my life.

I have a very large appreciation for this life, and what I have afforded to me by being an American citizen, food is never more than a minute drive, I have electricity at all times, I have a phone where I can call my family at anytime day or night, I have the ability to sleep in a bed, or a couch should I so desire, point being, I have all of these amenities that so much of the world goes without. I am very thankful for these things, but I can live without them, I say I can only because I have, can you say the same thing? I am not by any means trying to boast myself above you or anyone else, all I am trying to do is for you to try to just imagine a life without, a life where you would have to walk 5 miles to go get your families water supply for the week, and you could only use for that week, what you could carry on your back, head and in your hands, could you live a life where you wait urgently for the power to come back on for a short while so you can cook your family a meal to eat, could you live a life where you slept on the floor day in and day out and you could be thankful for the sleeping mat underneath your body separating you from the heat sucking, cold concrete floor? Could you shut the internet off? Could you turn your cable TV off? Could you go 32 days without a shower and without changing your clothes? How many days could you go without food? How many days, months or years could you go without?

This is not an anti-war, liberal message, this is a message sent to the hearts of those that would take the time to read this far, and a little further to have a change of heart, a renewing of the mind. This is a call to my family, my friends to those I have never met to change your ways of thinking, to turn down the selfish lifestyle, I want to make you think of what you do to someone when you judge them, when you belittle them, what you do when you say nothing at all but you think it, when you think those thoughts you do it in your heart and though you may not think anyone heard you, God did, and at the very least you know you heard it. God calls us to be like him, though this is not 100% possible we are called to be messengers of his word, we are to act as if, act as if Jesus himself was witness to everything and to our eyes we could see him there in a physical sense, well guess what…he is there, and he does hear and he does see what no other ears can hear and what no other eyes can see. Am I perfect? No. Have I struggled? Yes. Do I struggle? Yes. Am I the best Christian I can be and that I am calling people to be, and that we are all called to be? No. but here is the kicker…do I want to be? YES! Will I try with a true heart? YES, YES and YES! Will you not? This life is short my friends, and like I was told in Iraq, there is no such thing as an atheist in a firefight, well I’m here to say that for me, every day is a firefight, not just for me, for us all. Are we not at a constant war?

Think about the things you subject yourself on a day to day basis, think about what you watch, what you listen to, what you read, who you socialize with. We are constantly faced with battles, and if we do not stand and fight to be the followers of God we are called to be, we will be suppressed down by the constant barrage of attacks, I for one refuse to be backed into a corner, the best part of this life, is we are never alone. This life is not easy, and it was never guaranteed to be that way, but we are told that there is nothing that god will put in our path, that through him, we cannot overcome.

To be continued my friends.

Proud Father, Proud Husband.

When I was 19, i met my first daughter when she was 6 months old, she has been such an amazing blessing to my life. Since her birth to the age of 3 i had missed the first 6 months of her life, i was there for 6-12 months, 18-24 and 30 months to the present. She was there for me through the roughest times, she has been my friend when it seemed i had none. I told her on the day of my wedding to my beautiful wife Shannan, i said "Chloe you've been there for me when i had nobody" and she interupts me and says "Yes you do dad, you have everyone see, you silly goose" she was referring to the people at the wedding, it took the tears and turned it into laughter.

On December 26th, in the early morning, my wife left the house to pick up some things, she returned and awoke me to show me a pregnancy test, i said in my tired stooper "It shows to negatives" she said look again, and i was amazed to see a positive sign, we were pregnant, and the best part of it...it was planned.

Madilynn Elizabeth Carpenter, Due August 18, 2011 will be the little sister to a proud 4 year old, Chloe Lou. These two kids are my life, if i can teach them the morals, ethics, values and beliefs that i have picked up, been taught and that were instilled into me as a child, i believe i will have done what God has planned for me to do. I want these kids to live a life for God, not for other people, not for the highly coveted dollar $ign, not for fame or glory, but to God be the Glory. I want my children to know the purpose of life, and that is to a child of God and to show his love through our actions and through our day to day lives. Our 4 year daughter shows me Gods love every time we go to pick her at 9 a.m. Sunday morning, she comes and runs to me wraps her little arms around my neck, kisses me on the cheek saying "DADDY I MISSED YOU!" when we return home and prepare to eat breakfast she is always there to remind us to pray over our meal, and thank God for all of his many blessings, she insists on praying over our meals and they go something like this as we all hold hands "Dear Jesus, thank you for this food, thank you for baby blueberry (Madilynn), thank you for mommy and daddy thank you for Jesus and God thank you for Bobba and great great germy (grandpa and grandma), thank you for everything and in Jesus Christ amen". She as a 4 year knows the importance of showing thanks, and giving thanks to God for all the people he has put into our lives to help direct us, to help guide us on the straight and narrow.

Madilynn has already blessed us and our family, from he womb! she has brought together families, she has brought the real importance of life down to a real level, that little cherished gift inside of her mommy's tummy is a constant reminder of Gods amazing gift, and that is Life. It shouldn't be taken for granted and it should never be thought of as unimportant. I pray i can be half the father to her that my dad was and is to me, if i can do that i know ill be okay. I am blessed with an amazing wife, Shannan is the most amazing mother any child could hope to have, her virtue and strength, her love and compassion is unparalleled.

My letter to the VA

To whom it may concern:                                                                                                                             April 22, 2011

I’m writing this letter due to my nearly 2 year “battle” with the VA. I have been seeking help to regain my life, to regain what I once had. I have been denied three (3) times, my request for compensation for PTSD the occurred as of a result of combat operations in OIF 5-7. My life will never be the same, I wish it could be, but the truth is I have forever changed from those 10 months.

Life before the Marine Corps.

I was a typical high school kid; I had friends, hobbies and girlfriends. I enjoyed concerts, sports, going to the mall and enjoying family time at holiday gatherings.  My desire to join the Marine Corps grew after 9/11 and seeing the turmoil takes place in our country.

Life as a child and adolescent was easy, it was enjoyable and I was fanatic about life. I had never dealt with loss of a family member or friend, I have never, in this time of my life, witnessed death, trauma or violent acts, besides what I had seen on television. I attribute this to my beloved family, my parents and my brother and sister.

Upon graduation day from high school, during the ceremony the speaker asked that anybody who had intent to join the armed forces after graduation to stand and be recognized, out of a class of nearly four hundred students, I was among 4 that stood up, and the only to be joining the Marine Corps. I felt a sense of pride and honor and I hadn’t even been to boot camp yet.

Life in the military.

I went to boot camp in October of 2005, I left my ill mother and able father at home, I left my sister and newly born niece, so that I could go and become a person of honor, to be a sense of pride to the family. I graduated boot camp in January of 2006, I went to the School of Infantry 10 days after graduation, I was in the Infantry Training Battalion and was given the choice of an MOS, and I chose 0311 rifleman. I excelled in training and was excited at the opportunity to be the SAW gunner for my team in ITB. Upon graduation from SOI and ITB I joined the 2^nd battalion 4^th marines, Fox Company, Weapons Platoon under SSGT. Scott Williamson, a personal hero of mine now days.

I deployed on the 15^th MEU to Iraq on September 10^th 2006. Once active in combat operations in Ar Ramadi, Iraq, I was witness to the then typically frequent events to include; firefights, IED explosions, ambush attacks, sniper fire, RPG attacks, Vehicle born explosive devices, protests, assisting in the care of wounded marines, army soldiers, Iraqi army soldiers and Iraqi police officers as well as civilians. I have lost 13 of my brothers in arms to gunshot wounds, IEDs to include VBIED and Pressure plate IEDs etc, sniper deaths, death by incident friendly fire, and death by negligent discharge and ambush tactics.

Once in a combat outpost in Ar Ramadi I was tasked to assist the army medics in clearing the Humvees of “appendage bags” (clear white 50 gallon trash bags) labeled according to which appendage they were holding to include; Feet, legs, arms, hands and other. My experiences in Iraq were both humbling and horrific. I had seen more bloodshed in those 10 months than anyone should experience in a life time.

After that deployment, we were all given a Post deployment mental health screening, and it was imposed on myself and others of my seniority stature that it would be considered weak to admit to any trauma, or coping issues since combat. So with that impression I denied any problems and continued with my life. Upon returning from Iraq I explored alcohol and allowed it to be involved in my everyday life, I was unable to cope with the nightmares and the flashbacks if you will, that came from what I had seen over there. I used alcohol to help me sleep, I felt that if I drank myself to sleep I would not dream and I would wake up with just a hangover, which to me was better than revisiting the combat I experienced in my real life, in my dreams. 

I soon after deployed 2 more times on non combat operations, I was deployed with 2/4 on the 31^st MEU to Japan and later with 1/1 on the 13^th MEU on a WESPAC. I was notified while on deployment of 3 suicides, one of my squad leader Cpl. Cox and two others from my company. Cpl. Cox was my direct supervisor if you will, he was more than that, he was my friend, and he helped me gain my life back from alcohol and taught me what it was to be an honorable man. He was always there for me, and I was stricken with deep sadness and regret that in his time of need, I could not be there for him.

It was with all this pain and regret that I felt, and in my own depression I felt the need to excuse myself from the Marine Corps life, which to me included death and sadness. I returned home to Meridian Idaho. There I was met with a divorce and a jobless market. I gained employment at a paint supply business, and then to a DIRECTV call center, it was at the latter job I realized something was truly wrong with me.

At my time with DIRECTV I experienced overwhelming depression, sadness and anger, I would frequently have to put my customers on “Mute” so I could spit out my anger towards them, I would make fists and punch my desk or my leg. It was brought to my attention by my girlfriend, now my wife Shannan that I need to relax and get help. I went to the VA in Boise and was met by a Psychiatrist who offered open ears to anything I needed to say. To him I explained my problems, my fear of overcrowded places, my lack of interest in many daily activities, how hard it was for me to concentrate, how difficult it was for me to sleep, eat and maintain a healthy lifestyle, how the only way I could sleep was on the floor in front of the door leading into my apartment with a gun under my pillow. I didn’t go anywhere without my pistol, it was my only friend; I obtained a concealed weapons permit prior to purchasing it with the intent to carry it on me at all times.

I have since left DIRECTV and have yet to feel any sense of recovery from my issues, I thought that maybe it was just the job, I then realized it was more than just the job, it was the battles going on in my head. I had watched a few movies that included combat and the result would always be the same, I would shy away, hiding my eyes from the TV like a pubescent child, I would be overcome with grief, sadness and tears at the sight of death in the movies, I would turn the movies off out of fear I was going to do something I would regret. That day I went to the VA for a C&P exam and took a few bubble sheet tests, answered the man’s questions about my life and then left. A few weeks later I was met with a packet from the VA which enclosed the decision on my PTSD claim, it was denied. I was stricken with anger even more, I was mad that I felt accused of making it up, or it being about money, it couldn’t be less about money I just wanted my life back. I appealed the decision only to have my claim again, denied.

I attended a PTSD symptom management group for 4 weeks, from which I was unable to graduate due to family obligations in Chicago. I have tried to use coping skills to deal with the day to day tasks I am met with, and to no avail, I am not better, I am not even close to being able to resume my normal life again. I live in fear when I go to a restaurant with my wife; I back myself into a corner booth counting people, examining possible threats, looking for an exit. This sense of preparedness and alertness has come to consume me wherever I go, whether it’s getting groceries or going to the fair grounds, I am most uncomfortable in situations that place a large amount of people around me and my family, driving to town and work sometimes frightens me, I’m in fear of the unknown, I feel at anytime something bad can and will happen.

I now work at a prison, for the Idaho Department of Correction where I am in a unit that is open tier style, which means all 204 inmates live in an open bay, with unrestricted access to staff, other inmates and each other. I sometimes feel panicky, my heart will race, my hands and head begin to sweat, my head begins to throb, and I fear that an inmate will come attack me or others. I feel vulnerable and unprepared.

The reason I am writing this letter to you, is not to get money from you for the past 2 years I’ve gone without, but to bring it to your attention that a Veteran is going without help, without assistance, I am left alone to navigate this system that is the VA. I feel I am worth your time to help me, to help assist me with any means necessary to get me and my life back as close to normal as it can be, I do wish for a service connected disability rating for my PTSD but more so, I wish for help. I have seen too many fellow marines and service members go without help, and commit suicide or other avenues that it just makes me want to go another route, I do not want to become a part of a statistic of fatality or anything else, I’d rather be a part of a statistic of success and recovery.

Thank you for your time and consideration with this matter, I truly do appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Cpl. Alexander B. Carpenter

Ramblings

I grew up in a good home, amazing mom and dad...a brother Mat and a sister Maria. I am the youngest of the three with my sister 4 years older, and my brother 3 years older. I was born in may 1987. I grew up in Caldwell, Idaho. Graduated in 2005 from Vallivue High school. Then enlisted in the Marine Corps as an infantry rifleman. I was blessed with a beautiful daughter from my first marriage, Chloe was born in December 2006 while i was away on deployment.

After that deployment i did two more, one with 2/4 and the last with 1/1. I then was honorably discharged in 2009, i then divorced and got a job at DirecTv doing customer service, there i met my beautiful wife Shannan. Shannan is my saving grace, she is what has kept me going, she is in a sense...my hero.

My wife and i have since quit working at directv and have moved on from that mess. I work at the Prison here in Idaho, forgive me if i leave out details on which one. My wife works in retail and we are expecting our first child to be born in mid august, her name will be Madilynn Elizabeth.

I was recently accepted to a local college, with the intent to obtain my Associates of Applied Science in Web Design. Web design has always been my dream, it has always intrigued me, and given me pleasure, by designing, creating and publishing. It will provide, God willing, for me to stay at home as much as possible with my girls, Shannan, Chloe and Madilynn. My ultimate dream is to be a father, a husband and an overall good man like my dad is and was to me.

Why web design....? Well for me that answer is simple, but to explain it takes a lot of understanding on the readers part. I dislike people, i am not a people person when it comes to employment and staff relations...i no longer want to work somewhere with an "HR" department, of Information Reports or false accusations. I refuse to work for someone who gains pleasure from holding your job over your head like a stick of cotton candy over a child's head at the fair. I work very well on my own, and at my pace...because frankly i believe my working pace is too uncomfortable for some. I enjoy being taken out of my professional comfort zone, being challenged and being on the radar.

Web design also gives me a sense of control, and as a human, i enjoy that. There is no one, i believe, that doesn't like being the one tugging on the reins. If i fail i have only myself to blame, if i succeed it gives me ambition to do even better next time. I have fallen and have always gotten back up. I believe i have encountered a lot of challenges for my life, maybe not a lot for some, but plenty so far for me.

My first honest challenge in my life was graduating high school, at first i didn't really appreciate what people were doing for me, as far as pushing me and trying to help me. I always assumed people were trying to control my life, push my life in the direction they wanted me to go and i often ignored them. About junior year in high school i finally pulled my head out from my rectum :) and decided i better do whatever i can to be the best i can, because what i do here, against popular belief, matters. I brought my grades up to the end of my senior year to an average GPA of 3.75 and graduated at the top 20% of my class of nearly 400 students, which at the time was a great accomplishment for me.

Next challenge i had in my life, was leaving my mom behind as i enlisted into the USMC. Those three months separated me from my life line, from my confidant, my shoulder to cry on and honestly...my best friend. My mom got sick while i was in high school, it progressed over time to the point where she is now, stricken to her home with rheumatoid arthritis, 95LBS and struggling with pain management through pills and mystery juices. The thought of my mom in pain hurt me, but it drove me to succeed every time i was on my DIs quarter deck getting thrashed, every time i missed a step in drill i wanted to be better because i knew mom would one day see me on the parade deck at graduation and i wanted to make her proud.

After boot camp graduation i got to my unit, 2/4 Fox company 4th platoon out of San Mateo, camp pendleton, California where i spend the next 3 years of my life. Before my deployment to Iraq in September 2009 my girlfriend and i found out she was pregnant, i was overwhelmed with fear and joy, like any 19 year old kid would be, we married in august 2006 and divorced in January of 2010. I as a young man, made the wrong decision to get married, i wanted to be able to be apart of my daughters life and thought the only way to do so would to be married, also i wouldn't have a way to pay for it so the health care aspect of being married in the marines made sense at the time.

In retrospect i would not change a single decision in my life, everything I've done, seen, said or heard has reflected in my actions on all my decisions and has led me to where i am today, happily married, with one daughter, and one on the way. God is good, God is great...always has been and always will be.

People ask me often after they meet me, to share my experiences with them, and i have always declined the opportunity to let an outsider get a glimpse of what it is to be me...I've labeled myself many things in my life with a wide range of descriptors, labels and "hats if you will". In my life i have been, broken, abused, neglected, loved, hated, admired, respected, feared, trusted, depressed, scared, courageous, shameful, disgusted, frowned upon, beaten, shot at, worried over, cheated on, taken advantage of, taken advantage, I've stolen things, I've had my things stolen, I've been destroyed and rebuilt, I've been favored and Ive been last picked but out of things that i have been, felt or been called my favorite thing of all is FORGIVEN.

My path to God was a winding road, with many detours, bumps, foggy avenues and cliff hanging "S" curves. I believe God truly rescued my life at the age of 16, a junior in high school...I was so upset one night over a girl being unfaithful to me, that i left her place and got in my car, after punching a road sing and breaking three of my knuckles. I was driving home and with teared filled eyes just didn't want to feel that kind of pain anymore, so in my selfish rage i took of my seat belt and before getting to the top of hill on the highway i decided i would switch lanes, into oncoming traffic. I closed my eyes and slammed the pedal down to the floor board, i opened my eyes to an empty highway at 9 p.m. on a Saturday night, i decided to put my seat belt on and get back into my lane, in fear of being pulled over and having to explain to an officer what exactly i was doing. For the rest of the drive home i didn't see one car on the road, i was in Gods hands that night, and i always am. I went to my room after returning home to my confused self, i opened the bible and read Joshua 1:9. That verse has always spoke a special message to my life, i have felt that it has been a direct conversation from God to myself, it was his way of letting me know, wherever i am, whatever I'm doing, whatever i am faced with he'll be right there by my side, either walking with me, in front of me, behind me or like most of my trials he has carried me.