To whom it may concern: April 22, 2011
I’m writing this letter due to my nearly 2 year “battle” with the VA. I have been seeking help to regain my life, to regain what I once had. I have been denied three (3) times, my request for compensation for PTSD the occurred as of a result of combat operations in OIF 5-7. My life will never be the same, I wish it could be, but the truth is I have forever changed from those 10 months.
Life before the Marine Corps.
I was a typical high school kid; I had friends, hobbies and girlfriends. I enjoyed concerts, sports, going to the mall and enjoying family time at holiday gatherings. My desire to join the Marine Corps grew after 9/11 and seeing the turmoil takes place in our country.
Life as a child and adolescent was easy, it was enjoyable and I was fanatic about life. I had never dealt with loss of a family member or friend, I have never, in this time of my life, witnessed death, trauma or violent acts, besides what I had seen on television. I attribute this to my beloved family, my parents and my brother and sister.
Upon graduation day from high school, during the ceremony the speaker asked that anybody who had intent to join the armed forces after graduation to stand and be recognized, out of a class of nearly four hundred students, I was among 4 that stood up, and the only to be joining the Marine Corps. I felt a sense of pride and honor and I hadn’t even been to boot camp yet.
Life in the military.
I went to boot camp in October of 2005, I left my ill mother and able father at home, I left my sister and newly born niece, so that I could go and become a person of honor, to be a sense of pride to the family. I graduated boot camp in January of 2006, I went to the School of Infantry 10 days after graduation, I was in the Infantry Training Battalion and was given the choice of an MOS, and I chose 0311 rifleman. I excelled in training and was excited at the opportunity to be the SAW gunner for my team in ITB. Upon graduation from SOI and ITB I joined the 2nd battalion 4th marines, Fox Company, Weapons Platoon under SSGT. Scott Williamson, a personal hero of mine now days.
I deployed on the 15th MEU to Iraq on September 10th 2006. Once active in combat operations in Ar Ramadi, Iraq, I was witness to the then typically frequent events to include; firefights, IED explosions, ambush attacks, sniper fire, RPG attacks, Vehicle born explosive devices, protests, assisting in the care of wounded marines, army soldiers, Iraqi army soldiers and Iraqi police officers as well as civilians. I have lost 13 of my brothers in arms to gunshot wounds, IEDs to include VBIED and Pressure plate IEDs etc, sniper deaths, death by incident friendly fire, and death by negligent discharge and ambush tactics.
Once in a combat outpost in Ar Ramadi I was tasked to assist the army medics in clearing the Humvees of “appendage bags” (clear white 50 gallon trash bags) labeled according to which appendage they were holding to include; Feet, legs, arms, hands and other. My experiences in Iraq were both humbling and horrific. I had seen more bloodshed in those 10 months than anyone should experience in a life time.
After that deployment, we were all given a Post deployment mental health screening, and it was imposed on myself and others of my seniority stature that it would be considered weak to admit to any trauma, or coping issues since combat. So with that impression I denied any problems and continued with my life. Upon returning from Iraq I explored alcohol and allowed it to be involved in my everyday life, I was unable to cope with the nightmares and the flashbacks if you will, that came from what I had seen over there. I used alcohol to help me sleep, I felt that if I drank myself to sleep I would not dream and I would wake up with just a hangover, which to me was better than revisiting the combat I experienced in my real life, in my dreams.
I soon after deployed 2 more times on non combat operations, I was deployed with 2/4 on the 31st MEU to Japan and later with 1/1 on the 13th MEU on a WESPAC. I was notified while on deployment of 3 suicides, one of my squad leader Cpl. Cox and two others from my company. Cpl. Cox was my direct supervisor if you will, he was more than that, he was my friend, and he helped me gain my life back from alcohol and taught me what it was to be an honorable man. He was always there for me, and I was stricken with deep sadness and regret that in his time of need, I could not be there for him.
It was with all this pain and regret that I felt, and in my own depression I felt the need to excuse myself from the Marine Corps life, which to me included death and sadness. I returned home to Meridian Idaho. There I was met with a divorce and a jobless market. I gained employment at a paint supply business, and then to a DIRECTV call center, it was at the latter job I realized something was truly wrong with me.
At my time with DIRECTV I experienced overwhelming depression, sadness and anger, I would frequently have to put my customers on “Mute” so I could spit out my anger towards them, I would make fists and punch my desk or my leg. It was brought to my attention by my girlfriend, now my wife Shannan that I need to relax and get help. I went to the VA in Boise and was met by a Psychiatrist who offered open ears to anything I needed to say. To him I explained my problems, my fear of overcrowded places, my lack of interest in many daily activities, how hard it was for me to concentrate, how difficult it was for me to sleep, eat and maintain a healthy lifestyle, how the only way I could sleep was on the floor in front of the door leading into my apartment with a gun under my pillow. I didn’t go anywhere without my pistol, it was my only friend; I obtained a concealed weapons permit prior to purchasing it with the intent to carry it on me at all times.
I have since left DIRECTV and have yet to feel any sense of recovery from my issues, I thought that maybe it was just the job, I then realized it was more than just the job, it was the battles going on in my head. I had watched a few movies that included combat and the result would always be the same, I would shy away, hiding my eyes from the TV like a pubescent child, I would be overcome with grief, sadness and tears at the sight of death in the movies, I would turn the movies off out of fear I was going to do something I would regret. That day I went to the VA for a C&P exam and took a few bubble sheet tests, answered the man’s questions about my life and then left. A few weeks later I was met with a packet from the VA which enclosed the decision on my PTSD claim, it was denied. I was stricken with anger even more, I was mad that I felt accused of making it up, or it being about money, it couldn’t be less about money I just wanted my life back. I appealed the decision only to have my claim again, denied.
I attended a PTSD symptom management group for 4 weeks, from which I was unable to graduate due to family obligations in Chicago. I have tried to use coping skills to deal with the day to day tasks I am met with, and to no avail, I am not better, I am not even close to being able to resume my normal life again. I live in fear when I go to a restaurant with my wife; I back myself into a corner booth counting people, examining possible threats, looking for an exit. This sense of preparedness and alertness has come to consume me wherever I go, whether it’s getting groceries or going to the fair grounds, I am most uncomfortable in situations that place a large amount of people around me and my family, driving to town and work sometimes frightens me, I’m in fear of the unknown, I feel at anytime something bad can and will happen.
I now work at a prison, for the Idaho Department of Correction where I am in a unit that is open tier style, which means all 204 inmates live in an open bay, with unrestricted access to staff, other inmates and each other. I sometimes feel panicky, my heart will race, my hands and head begin to sweat, my head begins to throb, and I fear that an inmate will come attack me or others. I feel vulnerable and unprepared.
The reason I am writing this letter to you, is not to get money from you for the past 2 years I’ve gone without, but to bring it to your attention that a Veteran is going without help, without assistance, I am left alone to navigate this system that is the VA. I feel I am worth your time to help me, to help assist me with any means necessary to get me and my life back as close to normal as it can be, I do wish for a service connected disability rating for my PTSD but more so, I wish for help. I have seen too many fellow marines and service members go without help, and commit suicide or other avenues that it just makes me want to go another route, I do not want to become a part of a statistic of fatality or anything else, I’d rather be a part of a statistic of success and recovery.
Thank you for your time and consideration with this matter, I truly do appreciate it.
Sincerely,
Cpl. Alexander B. Carpenter
